In the last year or so I have become a sort of an YouTube connoisseur, should be clearly evident from my posts here. This has led me to wonder whether I should keep my only streaming service subscription, Netflix as I rarely find time to indulge in its myriad shows anymore. My only current gripe about YouTube is there are no channels about women's life/philosophy from a personal angle or general woman-related career woes channels.
I have not had success in finding some generic woman-hosted channel where a generic woman talks about anything and everything. I have found a few good ones by women navigating life solo or after-sixties-advise, but even those are about a specific topic like solo 60 year old leading an RV life – that is a very specific niche if you ask me. I want an everyday person talking deep thoughts, giving away random information no one is asking for. Maybe I should start one.
This also brings me to the book I want to talk about today - Deborah Liu’s Take Back Your Power. It is a kind of book I have not seen many women write. There is Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In and Brene Brown’s books, but they are experts in their areas, not regular Janes. I want to read ordinary women talking about their life, struggles and careers and their woman-on-the-wire acts. Deborah Liu is closer to the terrafirma most of us regular women inhabit than Ms. Brown or Ms. Sandberg. Although Liu was not that much of a normie either – her last job was as the CEO of Ancestry.com. So she has clearly played at a higher level than most of us.
I have
lived some version of almost every story she tells. I have been the
woman in the room who knows the answer, a titled leader of the team
and still has to calculate whether saying it will create a problem. I
have been talked over. I have watched someone repeat an idea I just
said five minutes ago and suddenly everyone becomes fascinated
because a man said it.
Liu talks
about Hillary Clinton being criticized in law school because some
people felt her presence was taking a place away from a man who could
potentially avoid being drafted. What struck me was not just the
unfairness of that situation, it was the psychological message
underneath it: a woman's ambition is not neutral. Her success changes the
equation. She is not just trying to win, she is making someone else
uncomfortable by existing there. After enough exposure to that kind
of message, you learn to manage yourself. You soften your words. You
add disclaimers. You make yourself easier to digest. And then one day
you realize you have become incredibly skilled at editing yourself!
This is
where Liu’s discussion of women being caught in a double bind
really resonated with me. I have personally experienced the strange
contradiction of being told to be more confident while also being
subtly punished when I am confident. I have also been told to be more
vulnerable by male leaders, and I understand what they are trying to
say. They want everyone to see my human side. They want me to
establish an emotional connection. But what my male bosses do not
understand is, vulnerability does not always carry the same meaning
depending on who is showing it. A man in a leadership position can
admit uncertainty and people often interpret it as authenticity. A
woman in a leadership position can do the same thing, and while
people may show empathy in the moment, and I believe many genuinely
do, there is often another calculation happening quietly in the
background. Is she overwhelmed? Is she weak? Did she really know what
she was doing? Maybe that sounds cynical, but when you have lived
inside these environments long enough, you notice patterns. You start
understanding why many women become careful. It is not because women
naturally want to be guarded. Sometimes the armor is something we
build because we learned that walking around without it has
consequences.
One of the ideas Liu puts forward in the book with some statistics is, lesser percentage of women have sponsors, and there is a distinction between mentors and sponsors. I think many people, especially women, are given the advice: “Find a mentor.” And that is good advice. A mentor can teach you, guide you, help you avoid mistakes. But Liu says women do find good mentors, but successful men usually have sponsors not mentors. A sponsor is someone who puts their own credibility behind you. Someone who says your name when you are not in the room. Many people who succeed have had someone along the way who opened a door. The myth of the completely self-made person is one of our favorite stories because it makes success feel clean and simple. We are all standing on somebody else’s shoulders, whether we like admitting it or not.
The Arianna Huffington story about burnout also felt painfully familiar. We have built a culture where exhaustion is often treated as evidence of commitment. The person answering emails at midnight is dedicated. The person who never takes a break is ambitious. The person who sacrifices everything is serious. But sometimes people succeed despite those sacrifices, not because of them. There is a difference.
I do have some complicated feelings about Liu’s book-title though, the phrase “take back your power” has the danger of making everything an individual responsibility. Yes, people need agency. Yes, we cannot spend our entire lives waiting for someone else to rescue us. At some point, you have to speak, act, take chances, and move forward.
But sometimes the issue is not that someone lacks confidence. Sometimes the environment is actually difficult. A person can be resilient and still be exhausted. A person can be capable and still be fighting unnecessary battles. I have no interest in telling women, “Just be tougher and adapt.” That is how people end up spending 30 years becoming excellent at tolerating things they should have questioned. But I also believe in the power of individual choice. There is a moment where you stop waiting for permission.
So after reading Take Back Your Power, I do not think the lesson is simply “be more powerful.” That feels like a very corporate interpretation of a much deeper idea. The more interesting question is: what kind of power are we actually trying to build? The power to impress people? The power to win every argument? The power to finally prove ourselves to everyone who underestimated us?
Or something quieter? The power to speak honestly. The power to create. The power to stop shrinking. The power to live a life that actually feels like yours. Maybe taking back your power is not about becoming someone bigger. Maybe it is about spending less energy pretending to be smaller.
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